Estonia x Shaquille O'Neal 5: Part 1
by The Nordic Losers
Summary: Before going to Camp Shaq (a newfound dream of Estonia's) he drags a certain young Latvian child along and the two have a little bit of an adventure before hand. Sorry if this development is kinda lame, there is a sequel on the way with much more Shaqiness.


EstoniShaq 5: Camp Shaq

Estonia was in a LOT of trouble with pretty much all the counties. First off, he was banned from ever visiting Peterson Theater ever again (the charge was indecent exposure or some cheap crap like that) although that didn't even compare to the trouble he was in with the other countries, especially Lithuania, Russia, and the Nordics. Child Protective Services from nearly every country had contacted him and requested that he fulfill their wishes. Now, Estonia was depressed because his Shaq doll was entered into evidence for his court that had happened a month ago, his computer had been seized, and Lithuania and Latvia were kicking him out.

"Estonia..." Lithuania began nervously, Russia smiling creepily at him across the table while pushing down on poor Latvia's head. "We all decided it would be best if you move out."

Estonia started crying. "No, Lithuania! This is my home! I belong here!"

"You did belong here, Estonia. But now you don't. Stuff has happened and some of the things Latvia told me disturbed me. So go, Estonia. Nobody wants you here anymore." Lithuania said, and looked at Latvia.

"Yeah Estonia just leave, please." Latvia whined uncomfortably. "Go enjoy your body somewhere else."

Estonia was bawling when he went to go get his suitcase and threw his clothes that he needed in it. He packed his backup laptop, backup backup laptop, and super secret backup backup backup laptop and Shaq action figures and ran out the door to his car.

Estonia pulled out of the driveway, crying as he left his Shaqtacular home.

'Stupid Lithuania,' Estonia thought to himself. 'He can't kick me out of my own home! That is a load of bullshit!'

Estonia drove to one of his private lake houses, guided by the insane amount of Estonian streetlights. He was playing some motivational music, this CD Alfred had given him for Christmas. It said Nickelback on it and Estonia thought it was really good music, especially the lead vocals. His favorite had to be "someday" since it was just so Shrektacular.

He grabbed his bag of what he had left and went into the lake house. It was warmer than he had remembered and also more Shaqy. He was still sad that he had got kicked out of the house the Baltics used to share, yet he thought it still was nice to be alone. Now there was nobody to report him for being a "creep" with his Shaq doll, even though it had been seized into custody already. Poor, poor Estonia.

He was so sad and so tired he just thought it would be best to go to sleep. He started playing his new Nickelback CD and went slowly but surely to sleep.

Wen Estonia woke up he thought for a split second he was in his own home, in his own bed, with his own "family". But alas, no. He was at his little lake house, all by himself. His eyes started welling up with tears when he realized all the good times he used to spend with his beloved Lithuania and (especially) young Latvia. Sometimes Poland would tagalong to, but now Estonia had lost all his old friends.

"Oh, Latvia," Estonia creepily said and hugged his quilt. "How free we used to be… how are used to cherish your lovely little frame…"

Estonia realized there was some more stuff he needed from the Baltics' house and went back. It was a long drive, yes, but it was worth it. He would get to see young little Latvia, of course, and also he could get some more Shaquilicious stuff he needed. Oh, what a fabulous time indeed.

Estonia walked up to the front door, nervous to walk in. He didn't know if Lithuania was going to be pissed or not so he tentatively knocked on the door. Young Latvia came to the door with a look of fear on his face when he saw that it was Estonia.

"Oh Estonia, it's so nice to see you again!" Latvia trembled and paused in the doorway. "W-what is it that you were needing? Lithuania doesn't want you snooping around here anymore, you know."

"I just needed to pick up a few things, that's all young Latvia," Estonia said as he walked in the door, shoving Latvia aside. "Then I'll be on my way, all by myself."

He walked up to where his old room used to be and began evaluating what was the most important in his room, what he needed to be Shaqtacular. He saw all his America Sports Weekly magazines and picked them up, since most of them featured Shaq. And if you left any Shaquilicious literature behind that was just shameful.

Estonia was gathering all the papers he had left on his desk when he shifted a pile of papers and a newspaper fell on the floor. He picked it up and started flipping through the pages, wondering why he had saved the newspaper in the first place or why it was on his desk. Then he saw page A27 and he realized exactly why somebody (he didn't remember putting the newspaper in question on his desk) had put it on his desk.

There was a close up of Shaq's buff body with the caption: 'Need sportsmanship training, basketball coaching, and teambuilding for your son? Come to Camp Shaq!' Below was a number and a website that Estonia immediately got his phone out for.

The phone rang a few times before somebody picked up.

"Hello this is Misa from the Camp Shaq administration office. How may I help you?" a voice on the other end of the phone said.

"Oh hi I was wondering if I could sign up for this Camp Shaq thing," Estonia said and nervously chuckled at the end, wondering if his plan would work.

"Um sure but first we need a little information on you so that we can contact you. We have enough open spots but this is just to make sure you're not some pervert trying to get in Camp Shaq just to traumatize young children," Misa said and pulled up a spreadsheet on her computer, ready to insert the new customer's information. "First we need your name, phone number, age, and your child's name that you will be chaperoning."

Estonia was hesitant at first but realized that he would get the best of both worlds since he had to 'chaperone' a certain small Latvian boy named Raivis. "Yes, I am Edvard von Bock, my phone number is 011-372 5 920-2012, I am 23 years old, and I will be chaperoning my brother, Raivis."

"That's a weird phone number, where is it from? I just need to confirm that this is a real and valid number," Misa said, wondering why this stranger was so odd sounding. He was really quite "spooky".

"I'm from Estonia, so that's why the area code and stuff is so odd..." Estonia trailed off awkwardly and waited for his confirmation into Camp Shaq.

"Oh, ok..." Misa said, remembering all the Shaquilicious conversations she had had with her cousin years ago about Estonia and all its streetlights (and then some...).

"So I'm all good to come to Camp Shaq?" Estonia said, excited that he would finally get to go somewhere very Shaquilicious.

"Yeah, just come to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania because that's where it'll be held at. At least the most recent one, the one next month will be held in Salt Lake City, the one after that'll be in San Francisco, and then the one after that will be in Chicago." Misa said Shaquilciously, ready to get off the phone with this creepy Estonian man. "It'll be in three days so if you're still in Estonia then you'd better start booking..."

"Ok," Estonia said, "Thanks for the help."

"Oh no problem," Misa said awkwardly, "Oh don't forget to have a Shaqtacular day!"

Estonia laughed as he heard Misa tell him to have a Shaqtacular day. It wasn't a new phrase for him but many people didn't appreciate the power of the Shaq. Shaq was life to him and nobody could ever change that, not even a small Latvian child.

Estonia got his stuff and then walked over to where Latvia was eating an English cereal at their old dining room table.

"Hey, Latvia," Estonia said, getting some drugs out of his pocket quietly and waiting for the opportunity, "I was just here to apologize for being such a dumbass earlier. I didn't mean to come across like that, I guess I just got a little out of control. Can you forgive me?"

"U-um y-y-yeah I guess..." Latvia said and looked up at Estonia. "W-wait why are you apologizing, y-you ne-never apologize unless it's to M-Mr. R-R-Russia!"

"I guess I'm trying to turn over a new leaf and be a better person," Estonia said and patted Latvia's head before looking over at the television screen, which was showing Latvia's favourite show. "Oh wow look Latvia!"

Latvia looked over at the television as Estonia threw the drugs in his cereal, seeing how they looked just like the mini-marshmallows in the cereal. He smirked and stood around just to wait for the drugs to do their job on Latvia.

Latvia ate the cereal and began to feel very woozy...very discombobulated. He started laughing and floating and going down a multicoloured tunnel filled with mochis and chibis and waffles...

Then when he woke up he was in the back of Estonia's shitty little car, speeding towards the airport.

"E-Estonia!" Latvia gasped and sat up, looking out the window. "Where...where the hell are we?"

"Oh look who's awake, Latvia!" Estonia said and turned around, nearly crashing the car. "Well we're going to go to camp Shaq!"

"C-C-Camp Shaq?" Latvia nervously said, "Isn't he that Am-american basketball player?"

"Yes...and a whole lot more," Estonia said creepily and parked the car at the airport.

~~~in America~~~

Estonia smiled as the plane began to land. He had traumatized many innocent Estonian, Russian, and Latvian childrens, including a small Belarusian boy named Thavid. Do you think Estonia felt any shame for what he did? No. Estonia felt no shame.

Estonia and Latvia pulled up to the American hotel after much searching. Even though Latvia himself wanted no business with Estonia he had to admit it was a little better than with Russia. Not that he'd ever admit that out loud, mind you.

Estonia had picked the most nasty-ass hotel to stay at. There wasn't even a frickin' breakfast or any free stuff like soap or coffee. To be quite honest it was really cheap. Also the carpet was gross and it smelt like sweaty homosexual pretzel wrestling competitions.

Latvia decided to go exploring (cough cough getting away from Estonia cough cough) around the hotel, which was called Ben & Ean's Pittsburgh Lodge. He went down the hallway and saw a room labeled "keep out", but Latvia doesn't follow rules. Latvia's a little badass. After his time with Russia he'd picked up a few things or two.

He pushed the door open and heard some rather interesting noises.

"Oh, Ean, man, wanna go to Play it Again?"

"So badly, Ben. I wanna play you again..." a blonde man said as he lounged on the sofa. "But the cousins are coming up to our lodge to see that stupid Shaq camp thing,"

"Oh god, not those damn fools," Ben sighed, "I don't want my head being groped or being hugged any time soon."

"Well at least we can call Frickers?" Ean said and leaned back into the fluffy couch pillow.

"Hey you damn fool, get out of the doorway! Can't you read, you little fuck?" Ben started running at the open doorway where Latvia had been standing five seconds ago.

Latvia meanwhile was booking down the hallway trying to escape the crazed man named Ben chasing him.

"LITHUANIA!" he yelled even though Lithuania was nowhere nearby, "HELP ME!"

Estonia (in case you were wondering where he went off to) meanwhile was enjoyin' his body to the full extent. He was so psyched out to meet his one true love and idol, who of course was that beautiful man Shaquille O'Neal.

He had managed to somehow acquire a cucumber and was pretending it was Shaq's 'cumber rubbing up against his very own.

"Squeeze the guac outta me, Shaq!" Estonia sighed as he was a' playin' with the cucumber. "I'd become Asstonian for you..."

After an hour of running around and Latvia never actually being caught, Estonia and Latvia went to watch a movie. Latvia was a bit nervous at first since Estonia's idea of a good family movie wasn't exactly always appropriate. Estonia kept cuddling up to Latvia and Latvia sat there awkwardly trying to keep the Estonian occupied.

"So whatcha wanna watch, young Raivis?" Estonia asked and glanced at the small Latvian child he was currently traumatizing. "I'd let you pick if you want. Look we even have on-demand!"

Latvia (in all honesty) was scared shitless. He knew if he stayed up he'd be forced to watch a movie with Estonia but at the same time if he fell asleep with Estonia then Estonia would try out his "magnificent" singing voice, the movie would be on in the background, and other Shaqtastic events could/would happen. So the Latvian boy decided to watch the freakin' movie with Estonia.

"Um...can we watch CSI: Helsinki?" Latvia tentatively asked, but he already knew the answer before he even asked the question.

"No, come on Latvia! Let's watch something new! You always watch CSI: Helsinki. Please?" Estonia attempted to do the puppy-dog eyes.

"Oh alright I guess," Latvia said, clearly not even slightly phased by Estonia's weak attempt at being 'cute'. "Um what about some Scandinavian Weekly Smackdown? Sealand and I watch it together and it's really good!"

"Here, let me suggest a few ideas. Maybe that'll help you decide..." Estonia said and slyly flipped to the adult channels. All the titles were listed but little descriptions since it was a cheap hotel service.

"What's 19 Guys 17 Fries?" Latvia curiously asked, and Estonia flipped over the title. "It says it's a wacky adventure behind Sandlappa starring Peachy Starr, Candy Knockers, and Little Rawld."

"This looks good, Latvia. Want to check it out?" Estonia asked and smirked. "It might be a really good movie, you never know unless you go!"

"Uh, what's Human Centipede?" Latvia asked as Estonia scrolled over the title.

"It's the story of many humans banding together for pleasure as one continuous train of bodies," Estonia said and licked his creepy little lips.

"Wait! What's The Beltonator?" Latvia said and pointed to another title. "That doesn't look half-bad!"

Estonia scrolled over the next title and began reading. "It says A young boy not looking for an adventure receives an unexpected call. Things heat up from there and he realizes his true calling as The Beltonator!"

"Uh, 19 Guys 17 Fries sounds the most interesting..." Latvia said as Estonia clicked on it.

"Welcome to a time when Sandlappa was pure and childrens roamed free," a voice echoed throughout the room, "Well, screw that. Let's get on with it and look at our 19 guys but there only are 17 fries! It's a game, let's figure out who don't got fries!"

Latvia screamed as images came on the screen. He burried his head in the pillow and started crying.

"Noooooo Estonia turn it off turn it off!" he yelled, finally hitting the Estonian in the jaw and making him end the program. "What was that?"

"Uh...I don't know. It was an adventure movie I thought!" Estonia said innocently enough, if he could be innocent that's the look on his face.

And with that an awkward silence followed and both Latvia and Estonia lay there in the dark, Estonia groping Latvia's back and whispering nasty phrases. Latvia cried and pictured himself back in his own bed with Lithuania right next door if he ever needed anything. How far away that place seemed to be indeed...


End file.
